I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize