I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize