Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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