I just pynch a tree in the face
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
