Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
