Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
