im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
