I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
This is my gift to your gina
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You ruined the universe
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
