Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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