Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
