Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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