***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
