Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
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