So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
