i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
