I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
