Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
