you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I have already put on my inside pants.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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