I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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