he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
