a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
