When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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