i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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