I am midnight drunk by noon
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
