Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
