so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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