went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
We talked him into tasing himself.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
