So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
