I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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