last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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