Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
