so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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