Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
