obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We're too hungover to prance.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize