apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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