what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
