Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
