pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
