im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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