my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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