Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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