Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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