i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
