Ketchup is God's man juice
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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