This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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