Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
