lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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