My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
