what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
