i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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