when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
