I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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