I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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