Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
this is an emotional support booty call
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
