I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
