I wish I could teleport
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
