Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
